WHY MY BABY?

14 June 2017

"The sun is peeking through the stained window in my walk-in closet. It warms up this very tiny room where I normally lay on the carpet where the sunlight hits and I turn into a recluse. Today is no different. I put Frank Sinatra on and turn the volume up until all I can hear is his beautiful voice. It's laundry day and my washing basket is full of clothes I need to fold and put away. Some clothes I don't really need and the others are pre-owned by a special woman. I go through the pile and pick out a special top. A mint green lacey top that she loved wearing whenever she visits me. I fold it gently and my tears start to fall. I have her shirt but I don't have her here with me."


This is a vivid memory of my first taste of grief. A daughter losing her mother and the pain was indescribable. I thought I've had the worst days of my life. I thought wrong.

Today is the first time I cried to the point of losing my mind. The deep need to hold my baby overcome my whole body and I was inconsolable, even to my husband. 

I sit on the floor of our bedroom and stared out the window asked, "Why my baby?"

I cried until I couldn't anymore and then I decided to take photos. I don't mean to upset anyone but my friends, this is grief. 











My dear Thomas

I am sorry Mummy's been crying a lot. I miss holding and kissing you. I miss singing to you. I missing playing with you. I miss you more than words can say.

I love you always and forever,
Mummy xx

12 comments :

  1. I'm so sorry Sheryl!!!! No mother should ever have to live without her child, it's so unfair! Life can be terribly cruel! I truly feel your pain and cry with you. I wish we could help you but I know nothing in this world would take this pain away. All I can do is send you love, light and strength. Again, I'm so very sorry for this indescribable loss xox

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  3. the feel so sheril .... I have read your post and me broken crying. because not me i want imagine the pain and the desperation that you must of feel ... the life is so unjust sometimes .... poor thomas ... so beautiful that was ... not is deserved that. is very hard with lonque now have that deal. a hug strong and much force since spain

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  4. I hope after your difficult day that you had a sign from Thomas to give you comfort xox

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  5. Oh Sheryl. What pain. What anguish. I believe your cries, your screams, your moans are the profound expressions of your love for Thomas. Thomas knows that and God knows that. So let your grief flow. We think about you every single day. So much love to you.

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  6. He wore it before passing,his last clothing on this earth...just the way you called him,little warior thomas,because he was that,a true warrior,and he went as a warrior,and as a warrior he will look after you forever till the day you join him,i believe your pain i know how it feels,i cried as i looked at this so i can not imagine your pain,but thomas is not gone,he is in a better place,he maybe can feel your pain and only that can make him sad nothing else,but he understands i am sure,when you are ready he will come to you,in a dream or similar.i prayed for thomas every night ever since i found out about him,i will continue praying for you all <3

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  7. Your mother is holding Thomas and they are together. I pray for you and your family and that your hearts get pieced together one piece at a time.

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  8. I don't even know if my comment matters, but I couldn't possibly read this and say nothing.

    I am weeping.

    I weep each time I read your words or think of Thomas.

    These are the things in life in which I will never understand. This kind of loss....this kind of grief....I'm heartbroken that anyone has to know what it feels like. I'm so sorry you know it.

    The picture of his little onesie in the shadows with the streaks of light............
    I had to muffle my cries so as not to wake my daughter......

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  9. Sheryl,

    Tudo em você é tão intenso e impactante, que por mais que eu tente, eu acabo chorando, chorando porque sou mãe, e por ser mãe eu sei que maior que o amor que sinto pelo meu filho é a dor de perde-lo...
    Fique com Deus!

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  10. I too am weeping as I read this. I am so so sorry for your loss, and for your deep grief and pain. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. Your beautiful boy lives on in our hearts and minds.

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  11. I too am weeping as I read this. I am so so sorry for your loss, and for your deep grief and pain. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. Your beautiful boy lives on in our hearts and minds.
    thank you !
    I too am weeping as I read this. I am so so sorry for your loss, and for your deep grief and pain. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. Your beautiful boy lives on in our hearts and minds.


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  12. I feel your cries, your screams, your moans are the profound expressions of your love for Thomas. Your mother is holding Thomas and they are together. I pray for you and your family and that your hearts get pieced together one piece at a time.
    Anna - full time momma

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Hi! I appreciate your comment and the time spent visiting my blog! Thank you xx