08 June 2017

Day 31 without my Thomas.

Every morning, when I wake up, that initial few seconds of gaining consciousness from a deep sleep are blissful, but that euphoria only lasts a second or maybe less. It leaves me quicker than my face can form a smile. I begin to remember everything and that euphoria is replaced by desolation.

It's not a dream. It is never a dream. Dreams, you wake up from.

Living a life without my Thomas is unimaginable, indescribable. You don't ever imagine a life without your children, do you? But it is my reality and my family's.

I am not alone, there are countless families living the same painful reality as us. Some of us found each other and find comfort in that. It's unfortunate to meet in such circumstances but grief is bearable even for a minute in a day because we talk and we share our memories of our angels.

A child loss is not only from a disease. Some parents lose their child (or children) in the war or from horrible accidents or from someone's murder rampage or from extreme poverty or from a miscarriage, or stillbirth, and so on.

Sometimes I want to explain in words how broken I am. I want to tell stories about my Thomas and his life and death but a child's death as a discussion is confronting for many if not all. It's almost taboo and you can't talk about it without dismissive replies because not everyone can handle the pain, even if you're close with them. Dismissive in a sense that empathy is replaced with apathy in the hope that your feelings of loss will quickly turn in acceptance. It doesn't work with grief. You just can't hurry it.

Thomas' death came and I was neither prepared when it happened nor felt less pain when it did. He was in my belly longer than he was in my arms.

My heart remains broken and my soul crying.

Death is part of the circle of life. Each of us has our timeline, some are long and some are short. It's the order of nature that gets us if a child goes before the parents. No one should bury their children, it's not right but babies can get cancer too. It should stop happening. It should be a national priority.

I miss my Thomas with every fibre of my being. It's almost the air I breath, the longing and that's why it hurts so much.

Love and light to all, Sheryl xx

My plea to others:

And you the one reading this, can find deep gratitude if you are not living the same reality. You can post on your social media how lucky and blessed you are for having all your children next to you. You can tell everyone to hug their children tighter every night, and I want you to, because gratitude is a wonderful feeling. It brings love, joy and positivity. It brings the beauty of the hardships of being a parent. It's easy to complain, it's human nature, but if you can learn how to give light to the wonderful things of parenting then you're in a for a beautiful life transformation. Like I said, gratitude is a beautiful feeling.

* We lost our #littlewarriorthomas on the 8th of May 2017, 730pm. He fought the good fight and he gave us everything. He was home with his whole family when he passed away. Jon and I were right next to him holding his hand. Our #superkuyawilliam kissed our Thomas goodnight. My husband held our baby so tightly after he passed away. And I held him for hours before his body was taken away.

** If you've been following our story since the beginning, thank you. Your beautiful words helped us and still helping us as we navigate our new life. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts. 

*** I am currently writing Thomas' life and I am hoping I can create a beautiful manuscript worthy of a book. If not, our William will have something to read when he's older.


  1. I miss him dearly. I miss seeing his face, his smile, his raspberries ❤️ You are one day closer to seeing your sweet Thomas again. Sending love, strength, and prayers to you, Jon, and William ����❤️��

  2. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ sending you much love :(

  3. Thinking of you all ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ Love jodienas

  4. Oh Sheryl 💜 my heart aches for you

  5. I can not feel the same pain as you, but I feel a deep sorrow for you. My heart has been in pieces ever since Thomas was gone. I felt a pain, I lived a mourning that hurt me for many days, even without knowing you. Lighting candles and command to celebrate Masses for him and his whole family. I'm sure the days of glory will come to you. Much light and peace.❤

  6. Sheryl,

    Sei que maior que o amor que você sente pelo Thomas é a dor de não poder tê-lo em seus braços e não poder vê-lo...pude perceber que pessoas/família maravilhosa vocês são; talvez seja isso o que fez com que o "mundo" abraçasse sua luta e parte de sua "perda" fosse nossa também...sei que agora é muito recente que dói tanto que parece que você não vai conseguir respirar...mas com o tempo tudo fica mais fácil ou melhor, menos difícil...que Deus traga o consolo e o conforto que vocês precisam...

  7. mrs_Brooks312

    He was always fascinated from his hands , his beautiful perfect little hands - ohhh Sheryl this picture makes me immensely sad. Thomas's absence is irreplaceable to me. I know how much it hurts!!! Your loving and peaceful way of life touched me infinitely. I do not have words to tell you how much your beautiful love story has significantly influenced my outlook and personality. Thomas, I know you can hear me and I know you got the best view in the heaven. I love YOU so much!!!!

  8. We take your and Thomas's plea to heart, Sheryl, we really do. Your post is so heart wrenching, and at the same time, your capacity for positivity and your desire to show others the light is so profoundly uplifting and inspiring. All we can do is thank you, Thomas, William and Jon and to let you know that we are carrying you all with us every day. So much love to you.

  9. best said..one day closer to meet him again,Thomas wants you to be happy and live your life to full,,because you will meet him when times comes

  10. I am so sorry for your loss. It's truly a heart breaking story and I only wish the best for you and your family. Thomas was such a little warrior through it all.

  11. Every word you say is profound, beautiful, and eloquent. Thank you for sharing with us every step of the way and know we are here for you. Love and prayers to you and your family. -suelilyrose

  12. Reading makes me immensely sad knowing that Thomas is no longer here. I applaud you Ms. Chikee for being such a strong and amazing mother. We miss Thomas so much too, he had a special something that made everyone around him happy.

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