It's now 16 days post partum and I am only able to write this beautiful story now. The journey to having our Rainbow Baby was a jar of all emotions and I want to immortalise it, preserve all the good and bad emotions that lead us to him and the wait that we endured to finally having him in our arms.
I suggest that you get a cuppa and enjoy reading!
THE YEAR BEFORE
2015 was one of the lowest points of my life. I found out I was pregnant, had a due date of 9th Dec and then it was over. I couldn't get over the fact that I was pregnant, went in the hospital and then all of a sudden not pregnant with no baby to show for it. I found myself disconnecting from a lot of people including myself. I thrived to see the good in everything and filled my days with gratitude of what I have, however, gratitude doesn't take the sorrow away and I cried in silence for a while and wondered if I could have done anything different to avoid losing our baby. It was a long 12 months of trying and disappointments and I was ready to give up. In fact, I had an appointment made to see a Fertility Specialist.
And then I found out I was pregnant again, due 7th Dec 2016.
Just like any other parent who had a miscarriage, anxiety kicked in from day one up until the last few seconds before delivery. Is there something wrong? What if something goes wrong? Am I a good enough mother to deserve two kids? Am I making the right decision? Why am I bleeding? Is he ok? Is my eldest going to be ok about this change?
The first trimester was filled with constant worry, from the occasional bleeding to extreme morning sickness (or sometimes lack thereof). I've become that patient who constantly calls her OB for reassurance, for unnecessary scans, for blood tests to make sure my hCG levels are rising. It was me being proactive and borderline paranoid.
I didn't connect with the pregnancy straight-away. Being indifferent was the name of the game until my first scan when they found a strong heartbeat and a baby. A baby!
I cried a thousand tears then and thousand more as I am typing this.
While I enjoyed majority of my pregnancy, I was paralysed by my negative thoughts and fear that this baby might be taken away from us again. A massive bleed happened on the day of our 20 week scan while I was waiting for my appointment.
At that moment, when I realised I was bleeding heavily, my thoughts were about how to announce that we've lost our baby again at the half-way mark. How am I going to tell my son? How am I going to tell our family? How am I going to survive this? How can this happen? is my baby dead? How is my husband going to cope? What did I do? It's surely is my fault if something is to happen. Should I be going to emergency now?
My body was shaking as I laid on the bed next to the sonographer and doctor, then cried of relief when they found a heartbeat and a very active baby boy despite the bleeding. He was perfect, everything about him was just perfect.
I began to admit that this baby is coming to our life. It is going to happen. I was still cautious of everything but I felt more assured that things are going to be fine, that we are taking this baby home.
His growth was off the charts and I was offered to have an elective c-section for both our safety. It wasn't an easy decision to make especially when my memory of my first delivery was beautiful until I was told that my son's collarbone had to be broken for him to come out of me.
Our baby had two growth assessments and both doctors suggested that it would be
In the end, I accepted my fate (finally), signed the elective c-section consent form and had the date 30th November at 39weeks.
|Two days before Baby T's arrival.|
28 NOVEMBER (38 weeks 6 days)
04:00am - I jolt awake to my baby's very sudden movement, heard a "pop" sound and then my waters broke. It was the gushing kind.
I frantically woke my husband up and told him my water just broke and to get me towels. I repeated myself about three times before he finally woke up.
My body started shaking uncontrollably. I was so scared. I worried about timings and logistics, or if I am ruining our new mattress or waking my son up from all the commotions, or how to get off the bed so I can go pee without wetting our carpet. I worried about my hair and my eyebrows. As you do.
I rang the hospital straight-away and advised that my waters broke and about my elective c-section. They advised to come in as soon as possible, emphasis on now.
A thousand thoughts started coming in my head:
How do I stop the leaking waters?
I am going to ruin our car am I not?
Why didn't I wash my hair last night?
I should have washed my hair!
I don't like my dry shampoo.
Oh is that contraction already?
That's too early isn't it? My water just broke.Where is my eyebrow pencil? I have to draw my eyebrows. I must draw my eyebrows.
I have to ring my brother to look after my son.
I hope he picks up.
Ring him now damn it.
Where is that damn eyebrow pencil?
Is that contraction again?
When was the last one?
Oh shit that's painful already.
Has he moved since?
F*ck sake, where is that bloody eyebrow pencil.
Ok, now that's a contraction for sure.
Here's the pencil! Finally. Draw your eyebrows!
Tell husband to ring brother. Now.
Fuck, that's a contraction again!
I need a pad. Where are my hospital bags?
(at this point all my bags are in the car).
I need a pad.
Oh f*ck that's another contraction. where is my phone? What time is it?
I am hungry.
Ouch, that's painful.
Where is my brother?
I managed to draw my eyebrows in between my frantic thoughts, contractions and trying to find a pad while my husband was running around the house trying to find bits like phone charger, cameras, giggling in between, calling family to come over look after our eldest, forgetting to wear pants, misplacing his lucky shirt, giggling some more, looking for keys... I mean, he was all over the place and giggling while I was utmost worried about my bloody eyebrows.
We managed to get to the hospital just 30 minutes after my water broke. It felt longer though. I had to stop and sit a few times due to intense contractions.
I was assessed the second I got in there and my OB got in just a few minutes after. Judging by her outfit and facial expression, she was woken up and asked to come in. Stat.
My contractions are becoming more and more intense and closer together and they were still trying to get me in for an emergency c-section.
I was given something to slow things down because Pebble is sure in a hurry.
I was 6 cm already by the time I was wheeled in the theatre. I was given the spinal and immediately the shakes began. I even made a joke about burning some calories from all this shaking. It wasn't funny but they were kind enough to laugh.
|Notice them eyebrows.|
They had inside jokes and banters that only doctors, midwives and anaesthetist find funny and I found myself wondering if it was ever funny if I wasn't drugged up.
I saw myself getting cut open from my reflection on the stainless ceiling. I know, I should have looked away but it was beautiful and gross at the same time. I also told my husband so he won't look up.
And then just like that, at 06:20am, our Rainbow Baby was out and our lives are forever changed again. We lovingly called him Thomas.
I was elated, relieved, shaking and worried all the same. I looked at my husband and he was about to cry. Baby T was quickly put on my chest and I was able to kiss him. Out loud, these thoughts came out of me, all in the glory of powerful drugs.
Is that my nose? he's got my nose? Is that my nose??
Is he tan? Is that a tanned skin?
I got a tanned baby!!
I was wheeled in recovery and soon after to our room with Baby T.
Later that afternoon, my eldest came to visit to meet his baby brother. He was so excited and confused all the same. There is a baby in my mummy's arms. What is this about?
Then it dawned on me that we are now a family of four, our rainbow baby is finally in our arms, safe and sound.
I am grateful to still have the element of surprise again, for experiencing labour pains and contractions, for my water breaking, for the rush of getting to the hospital, for waking up my OB again in the wee hours, for the excitement and thrill. These make up to my story and I will forever tell my kids over and over again.
I had three pregnancies, two of which were beautiful and gave me my sons and the other taught me love, loss, hope and faith.
|Baby T only hours old.|
Thank you for reading! xx