MAY I INTRODUCE TO YOU.... DRILL SARGEANT

18 July 2016


Disclaimer: This post was originally published in Working Mummy Chronicles Blog and I am reposting it here because it's one of the post I truly enjoyed writing.

A common question I get from people is How does it feel to be pregnant again?  Which is then followed by Is it any different with your first pregnancy?


Yes, each of my pregnancies are different from each other. 

My first pregnancy was a dream. Less to no symptoms. I was naive and didn't know much of the aches and pains that a pregnancy brings and I welcomed them with open arms and such enthusiasm I get eye-rolls from other pregnant ladies. I was grateful for every pain, every stretch marks and the exhaustion? They were reminders that I am going through something magical. I thought I was a walking miracle and it felt so good knowing a tiny human is growing in me. I had a lot of the happy hormones.

My second pregnancy was a surprise but sadly it was over before I can even appreciate the "real" symptoms even though my body refused to miscarry on its own and dragged it almost to 12w. Not one bit was enjoyed in that pregnancy, to say the least.

Now, my third pregnancy and hopefully my second baby that I get to meet, cuddle, raise, the works. This one is so different. I am grateful for the chance to experience it again but it is soooooo different.  I can only describe this like so.....

Dear readers, I need you to turn on your imagination and imagine this.....

Imagine a drill Sargeant or maybe a basket ball coach trying to gather its troops/team and by troops/team I mean your organs, hormones, emotions, weight, body parts, etc.

A loud siren goes ON followed by an announcement, EMERGENCY, EMERGENCY. A CONCEPTION HAS TAKEN PLACE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. PLEASE WAIT FOR FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS FROM YOUR DRILL Sargeant. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A TEST!

Loud siren continues to wake the whole body up.

Drill Sargeant blows his whistle, "ALL RIGHT, LISTEN UP, THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL. A conception has taken place and HQ wants everyone to know their new job assignments. I don't want to hear any complaints. What HQ decides, we do. Now, wait for further instructions. Dismissed!"

*Mummy pees in cup and dipped her last remaining digital test in it. Waiting, Waiting, Waiting. POSTIVE! Mummy is now in shock*

Drill Sargeant blows his whistle again with so much gusto this time, "ALL RIGHT, LISTEN UP!! MUMMY KNOWS SHE'S PREGNANT. WE ARE OFFICIALLY IN BUSINESS! WHEN I CALL YOUR NAME, LISTEN CLOSELY AND LISTEN WELL..... GAS PAIN, your job is done. Mummy got the message. Take a rest and wait for further instructions. BLOAT, LET'S START WITH YOU!"

Drill Sargeant: Bloat, I need you to be front runner and go big. The bigger you go the happier HQ will be. I repeat go big! And don't even take a break until Mummy is past 12 weeks! If you can, make sure Mummy looks about 6months pregnant now, that's the goal! Also, release that gas anywhere, anytime. When Mummy is sleeping, walking, eating, especially laughing, sitting down, when standing up, i mean just go release that gas.

Bloat: Aye, Aye, Sir.

Drill Sargeant: Uterus, you're up!

Uterus: Yes, sir, yes!

Drill Sargeant: All right uterus, you're the star. Make sure the house is ready for our guest. Once you receive the package, make sure it has plenty of space. Remember your last position when the giant baby was inside you? Start with that size! Don't go stingy on space. Go big. Mummy makes giant babies so please adjust your real estate fast.

Drill Sargeant: Next up, Cervix and Vagina! CERVIX, close up and go high. If you feel something poking you, release some pink pigment. You are closed for now.  Close your doors and lock it. I'll let you know when is your grand re-opening. And you VAGINA, go dry up for now.

Vagina and Cervix: Aye, Aye, Sir!

Drill Sargeant: BOOBS you're up. You need to be sore and take it a notch higher. No one can touch you, not even a bra. You need to go big as well. Remember your last size during the giant baby time, start with that and grow more.

Boobs: Should I be itchy too?

Drill Sargeant checks the list, "Yes be itchy but also on fire when you get itched by Mummy"

Drill Sargeant: Nose, Back, Hips! All of you... we need you to go WIDE.

Nose: As wide as before when Giant Baby was here?

Drill Sargeant: Yes, wider and increase your senses. You will help Nausea and Morning Sickness.

Back: But Sir, I never went back to how I was after Giant Baby, should I still go WIDE?

Drill Sargeant: YES! And make sure you ache. 

Hips: Widening now as we speak sir.

Drill Sargeant: Good job hips. I want Mummy to wobble as early as possible. Suits her right for not exercising. And oh Vagina, you will start feeling like you've been punched and kicked.

Drill Sargeant: Stretchmarks! I want you to hide for a bit. You're not needed. I don't want you anywhere close any skin at the moment, not until the end but please be itchy.

Drill Sargeant:  Last one for now, where are NAUSEA and MORNING SICKNESS? 

Nausea and Morning Sickness: We are here sir!

Drill Sargeant: You twins are going to be big stars! HQ wants you to go crazy. Be creative. Linger all day if you want or even while Mummy is asleep. If you don't want anything she ate or drank, push them back where they came from. Make sure Mummy can't do much. Go wild. Make me proud. She'll probably take some medication but ignore it. Go BIG! It's your time to shine. Don't stop until I tell you so. Do you copy? A lot of the key players are going to help you achieve your goals, like Nose, he knows what to do.

Nausea and Morning Sickness: Yes sir!

Drill Sargeant: Wait, wait, I have one more in my list.... Where are HORMONES?!

Hormones: We are here sir!

Drill Sargeant: Please work hand in hand with Nausea and Morning Sickness. Populate like no other. I want crying for no reason. I want mood swings through the roof. I want extreme happiness and then anger. We are getting some reinforcements to help our buddy progesterone but the rest of you multiply like no other, except you Libido, you've done enough.

Drill Sargeant: All right, that's all the assignments I have for now, I'll be back in 3 months time for more assignments. Make me proud! DISMISSED!... Oh wait, hang on, I just got a message from HQ, where is GLOW?! Who's responsible for Glow?

Silence.

Drill Sargeant: Anyone? Someone? No one?


Drill Sargeant: All right, No Glow it is. That's all. Dismissed!

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And folks that's how different this pregnancy is and we are only past the first trimester.

I am grateful for every single twinge, aches, pains.... to be able to experience this again is just icing on my cake :)

I had the most fun writing this and hope you enjoyed reading.

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PS. This was originally written and published in Working Mummy Chronicles blog just after my first trimester. I had the most fun writing it and I thought I'd re-post it here for some good laughs. I am now almost half-way the pregnancy and I am so tempted to bring back Drill Sargeant!

Hope you're all well xx


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