17 May 2017

Parents shouldn't be burying their child. It's against the natural order. You are supposed to watch them grow and be the person they are meant to be.

But here we are.

When my water broke that early November morning, I said thank you to Pebble. I thanked him for giving me a surprise delivery date. He knew I wanted a surprise despite having a booked C-section. He heard me cry over it for days so he decided to come early.

It was a calm delivery, just like he was. He was a very patient baby from the get go. He rarely complained, even when he's hungry. He would just politely cry for milk.

He almost never complained, even when he was in so much pain. And even through it all, he found means to smile.

He never cried for a wet nappy. He was happy to wait until we changed him.

He smiled a lot even when everything hurts.

He made baby noises that made anyone melt.

He loved watching his hands, they were mesmerising.

He was so content. He accepted everything given to him.

He loved doing peekaboo and did it until the end.

He loved his music. He particularly favoured Ed Sheeran.

He loved watching his Kuya William and looked forward to seeing him again on a school day.

He loved his dad and his silly tricks, he copied them all.

He was such a mummy's boy. He made sure I'm close by and holding his hand before falling asleep.
He made sure I am within hearing range before he trusted anyone. He made sure he can see me before he let anyone played with him.

He fulfilled a lot of my dreams and he gave what our family needed.

Thomas has taught me to be always grateful. The kind of gratitude you find in a difficult situation.

He reinforced what I occasionally forget, to live in the moment and to worry less.

He even reinforced the fact that I am not one with nature, when we went for the shortest walk in the park because of a crossing bobtail lizard.

He gave us the perfect last breath.

He looked at me one last time and then he exhaled.

I gave birth to an angel, too wise for his age. He was put in this world on a mission and that was to spread love and gratitude in every possible way.

His story touched so many hearts around the world and changed so many lives.

He's done beautifully and managed to make a difference in peoples' lives. His presence made an impact, even for his young age, to people near and far more than anyone present today will ever do in their lifetime.

He's deeply loved and I'll miss him so much until we meet again.

He's my darling pebble, forever and always.

We didn't have a happy ending but we have a beautiful story.

Pebble, thank you for choosing mummy and daddy. I love you. Love, mummy.

Sunrise, Sunset (by Jon Blanksby)

sunrise, sunset 
we watch you take your very first breath

sunrise comes bringing hope and joy 
a beautiful 10lb baby boy
big brown eyes and full of hair
a loving look, you glance and stare
hearing our voices for the very first time
we whisper sweet nothings
“we love you, you're mine”
a beautiful smile and chubby cheeks,
we could look into your eyes for weeks.
but whats that on your arm that we find,
it sends a shiver down our spine
it's nothing they say, a birthmark, it's fine
but we best get it checked, all in due time.

weeks pass and the stronger our bond does grow
but then along comes fate to deliver the blow
a sickness that nobody can cure,
a heartache begins for us all to endure.
nothing can change the future so we best make every day last
with laughs and adventures time is going so fast
but at the same time so it passes so slow
and i love for you continue to grow
but the time is close now, you're growing quite weak
even in pain you can barely speak
mummy and daddy say it's ok to sleep
we miss you already and start to weep
hold onto my finger as we say goodbye
but your story isn’t over so lets just say goodnight

we will see you again soon in the stars every night
guiding us through life our own shining light
so much love so much joy,
in such little time with our baby boy
goodnight little warrior with this we promise
we love you with all our hearts our darling little Thomas

sunrise sunset now we lay you down to rest


We had a beautiful service. Thomas was outdoors, next to a lake and under the dancing trees.

He gave us so many signs.

Warmth of the sun against my face shining through between the trees.

Rainbow while Jon and I were saying our Eulogies.

Butterfly that greeted us at home when we came back from the service.

My darling boy spent the night at home before his funeral. I spent all night with him, kissing and holding his hand. His Kuya gave all the kisses he wanted to give and so as his dad.

It was the perfect send off for a perfect baby boy.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank each and everyone of you reading this, whether we know each other or we don't. The last few months were hard but you gave us comfort from all your beautiful words and kindness.

We are forever grateful.

Much love, The Blanksbys


19 April 2017

I am starting to feel like I am racing against time. My brain is thinking a million things at once. I look at my Thomas and my thoughts are of panic! That cute face, that beautiful chin, that big brown eyes, that beautiful voice, that baby smell. I need more time!

There's a shift in my Thomas. Something different, sullen, sad. I could be over thinking / analysing and overly exhausted.

Hospital visits are now more serious. Those type of discussions I tried to avoid and not think about are now on the table.

Time of emergency.
Last breath.
Final Day.

My heart is heavy. My chest is tight. My tears abound.

He deserves everything beautiful in life. Are we giving it? Is it enough? 

I am hopeful but I also see the painful truth. What do they say about Mother's Instinct?

This post probably doesn't make sense. I am in constant state of panic inside despite the calmness and smiles, especially after today's hospital visit.

Reminder to self: One day at a time.

To the world who love my Thomas, thank you! 
Please continue on praying for him. 

Much love to you all.


13 March 2017

These past few days, the whole world, as I would like to think so, has fallen in love with my Thomas and William.

I shared that photo of them on the couch because that was pure love and I wanted to immortalise that moment for my personal collection and don't you think the world (through social media) needs a little dose of pure love here and there?

Since then, I've received countless messages of love and compassion for my Thomas and admiration for my William.

The primary nature of the messages is sympathy and comes close second is gratitude. People tell me how thankful they are for my boys, for sharing Thomas' story, for teaching them what's important in life and for reminding them to love more and complain less.

I told in an interview today that one of the reasons why I started sharing Thomas' journey was to get prayers from friends and family. To gain my prayer warriors to help me pray for him. And to know now that the whole world is praying for Thomas (or thinking about him) is just beyond amazing.

My boys have changed my life and it seems like they are also changing others in their own little ways. I am so damn proud of them.

To everyone who sent us heartwarming messages, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I draw strength from from all of it, especially when you say my family is not alone. It just blows my mind.

Thank you!

I hope you are all having a lovely day and I'll speak to you soon!


Edit: We are hoping that Thomas' story will raise more awareness on Malignant Rhabdoid Tumours. The disease is so rare there's not enough research about it to help find a cure. 

Also, I'm trying to get Ed Sheeran's attention. We couldn't think of a song for Thomas and all I can think of is Ed Sheeran and if he is willing to write a melody or a song for Baby Thomas. Here's hoping social media works.


04 March 2017

The irony of life has hit my family so hard and everything doesn't make sense anymore. It feels like only yesterday when I posted about giving birth to our Rainbow Baby Thomas and here I am writing about his imminent death.

His death.

Can you even get your head wrapped around that concept?  I can't.

I can't even begin to describe the pain I feel each time I look at his precious face. My heart breaks for every big smile he gives me because I know how much I will miss it when it's all gone, and when you think my heart can't take it anymore, it shatters even more when he gives his begging look when he's in pain.

Our good days usually start in a panic trying to keep his pain under control especially when he sleeps through the night.  Do I wake him knowing it will upset him and trigger his pain? Or do I wait until he wakes up when his pain is triggered? 

On a bad day, he screams awake frequently leaving him with little to no decent sleep.
How am I coping? How is my husband coping? We honestly don't know.

I wake up wishing it's all just a bad dream and then I look at Thomas and I know it's all real. I start to cry.

I go to bed scared and I beg for the night NOT to be our last.

And then a new day comes and I find him snuggled next to me, breathing, warm, sometimes half smiling in his sleep and I thank God for another day with him. Often times, the hysterical crying comes out instead of a sigh of relief. 

Right now as I write this post, our Thomas is still here with us and that's what really matters. Each day is embraced and each week is celebrated.

Watching my two sons together is a dream come true. Being a family of four has always been part of my day dreams. It's now my reality and it's trapped in this nightmare no family should be in. 

I am in desolation with no end on sight. My heart will forever ache for my Thomas and my soul will forever long for him. 

I am sad for my big boy William, he's only getting to know him.

Our Thomas has been diagnosed with Malignant Rhabdoid Tumour at 11 weeks old. He's now 13 weeks old (almost 14 weeks) and still fighting. 
We've been inundated with a lot of love and support all over the world and we thank you all for your prayers, positive vibes, thoughts and generosity. We are forever grateful. 


15 December 2016

It's now 16 days post partum and I am only able to write this beautiful story now. The journey to having our Rainbow Baby was a jar of all emotions and I want to immortalise it, preserve all the good and bad emotions that lead us to him and the wait that we endured to finally having him in our arms.

I suggest that you get a cuppa and enjoy reading!